The Creation of Marriage: Transformation Through Union

Full Summary

This shiur presents a profound reinterpretation of the nature of marriage in Jewish thought, moving away from the conventional understanding of marriage as acquisition to viewing it as a process of recreation and transformation. Rabbi Zweig begins with a fascinating halachic question from the Rambam (רמב"ם) in Hilchos Ishus regarding when birkas chasanim (wedding blessings) are recited and their relationship to the actual marriage ceremony. The discussion centers on a seeming contradiction in the Rambam's formulation: if someone performs erusin (betrothal) and recites birkas chasanim without proceeding to chuppah and yichud, the Rambam states that the woman remains only betrothed because 'the blessings don't create nissuin.' Rabbi Zweig questions why the Rambam doesn't simply explain that the blessings were premature and therefore invalid. The analysis leads to an examination of the Gemara (גמרא) in Kesubot 7a, which discusses the sources for birkas chasanim and the requirement for ten people. The Gemara derives these laws from two sources: the blessing given to Rivka by Lavan, and Boaz taking ten elders. Tosafos (תוספות) questions whether the blessing to Rivka refers to erusin or nissuin blessings. The key insight emerges from analyzing Lavan's blessing to Rivka: 'achoseinu at yehi le'alfei revava' - 'our sister, you shall be for thousands of myriads.' Rabbi Zweig, citing Targum Yonatan ben Uziel, explains that the critical word is 'yehi' (you shall be), which indicates transformation rather than simply having children. The blessing isn't about producing offspring, but about Rivka herself being recreated through marriage. This understanding transforms our comprehension of birkas nissuin, particularly the blessing 'asher yatzar et ha'adam betzalmo' which explicitly references divine creation. Marriage becomes not an acquisition but a recreation of both individuals into a new unified entity. This requires both parties to relinquish their previous identities and allow themselves to be transformed. The shiur connects this to the prohibition against an arushah (betrothed woman) - even one's own betrothed is forbidden until nissuin. This separation represents the necessary letting go of one's current self to allow for recreation. The transformative process begins with erusin but culminates at chuppah. Rabbi Zweig draws a fascinating parallel between marriage and burial, both using the Hebrew root 'kicha' (taking/acquiring). Just as burial in the earth represents a return to one's source for eventual recreation (resurrection), marriage represents a recreation of the individuals involved. The Hebrew words for womb and grave (kever) are identical, reinforcing this parallel between burial and the creative process. The practical implications are profound: successful marriage requires both partners to embrace transformation rather than trying to change each other while remaining fixed in their own identities. Cultural differences, personality conflicts, and other challenges become manageable when both individuals commit to becoming a new 'we' rather than maintaining separate 'I's.' The modern divorce statistics reflect the failure to understand this fundamental principle. The shiur concludes with the sobering insight into Shlomo HaMelech's statement that 'a bad marriage is worse than death' - because death offers the possibility of recreation, while a marriage without transformation becomes spiritually deadening. This teaching offers both unmarried individuals a proper mindset for approaching marriage and married couples a framework for addressing relationship challenges through mutual transformation rather than mutual blame.