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Why does Koheles describe finding a wife as both good and bitter than death? The husband's treatment determines which reality emerges - there are no bad wives, only husbands failing their primary role of validation. When a husband properly builds up his wife, she can then empower the children, but this sequential structure breaks down in single-parent homes where mothers lack the validation needed to build healthy families.
Rabbi Zweig opens by discussing alarming statistics about single-parent families in America - 45% of households with children are single-parent homes, compared to virtually none in his generation. This societal breakdown provides context for examining Koheles 7:26's seemingly contradictory statements about women in marriage. The Gemara (גמרא) reconciles Shlomo HaMelech's conflicting descriptions - "motzah isha motzah tov" (finding a wife is finding good) versus "umotzani mar mimavet et ha'isha" (I find more bitter than death the woman). In Eretz Yisrael, people would ask newlyweds "motzah o motzah?" - a play on words asking whether their marriage brought goodness or bitterness. Rabbi Zweig explains through the Rambam (רמב"ם)'s Laws of Marriage that the husband must take the primary role in setting the tone for the relationship. The Rambam first lists the husband's obligations, then states "v'chein tzivuchu chachamim" (similarly the sages commanded the wife), indicating sequential rather than simultaneous responsibilities. This teaches that a wife's behavior reflects how her husband treats her - there is no such thing as a bad wife, only a husband who isn't fulfilling his role properly.
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Koheles 7:26
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