Rabbi Zweig explores how parents can prove they're not controlling their children by being willing to accept abuse, just as Hashem (ה׳) allows us to use His gifts even when we sin against Him.
Rabbi Zweig continues his series on dealing with children who feel controlled by addressing a crucial question: what do you do when explaining that rules are 'for their own good' doesn't work? He argues that the real test of whether we're controlling comes when children abuse us - if we react defensively, it proves our actions are about us, not them. Using the example from Koheles 4:15, Rabbi Zweig explains that Hashem (ה׳) created two forces within humans: the desire for pleasure and the resistance to being controlled. The latter is so strong that people will become self-destructive rather than submit to control. He cites the Talmudic discussion between Gavi Ben Sisa and a non-believer about resurrection, arguing that death isn't God's revenge but rather a reconnection to enable eternal life. A fascinating insight emerges from Rashi (רש"י)'s commentary on why the laws of sotah are juxtaposed to giving terumah to kohanim. Rabbi Zweig explains that someone who withholds terumah (while not eating it themselves) is exhibiting pure control - they gain no benefit but still won't give it. This controlling personality creates a marriage dynamic where the wife responds by controlling through secrecy, leading to the sotah situation. The core principle comes from Moshe Rabbenu's complaint to Hashem: 'Did I conceive these people? Did I give birth to them?' Rabbi Zweig interprets this to mean that only biological parents should be expected to take abuse, because accepting abuse is the ultimate proof that your actions are about the child, not yourself. Since control brings pleasure and people will pay for pleasures, the one thing they won't accept for selfish reasons is abuse. Hashem demonstrates this principle perfectly. When we sin, we use His energy, His gifts, His very life force to violate His will - yet He continues providing these abilities. This is the ultimate abuse, yet Hashem allows it because that's how we know His commandments are truly for our benefit, not His. If He controlled us by removing our abilities when we sin, we'd be robots without genuine choice. The practical application is challenging: parents must continue providing what they believe their children need (housing, clothing, transportation) even when children make poor choices, just as they would for their other children. The key is not making support conditional on behavior, which constitutes control. You can refuse to directly fund harmful activities, but you shouldn't withdraw basic support that you provide to all children. Rabbi Zweig concludes that this system, while painful, is necessary for genuine growth. Even galus and punishment serve this purpose - they create distance that allows for authentic choice and development. The greatest Jewish achievement, the Talmud (תלמוד) Bavli, was created during exile when we had to figure things out independently.
An introduction to the first chapter of Ramchal's Derech HaShem, covering six fundamental principles about God's nature and existence, including the difference between emunah (internalization) and yedi'ah (knowledge).
An introductory class to studying the Ramchal's Derech Hashem, covering the author's life, his major works (Mesilat Yesharim, Derech Hashem, Da'at Tevunot), and the philosophical foundations that will guide the series.
Koheles 4:15
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