Resistance in Parenthood - The Divine Plan for Independence

Full Summary

Rabbi Zweig begins with Moshe Rabbeinu's powerful complaint to Hashem (ה׳) in Parshas Beha'aloscha about the burden of leading the Jewish people. When Moshe asks 'Did I conceive this nation? Did I give birth to them?' he's questioning why he must carry them like a nursing mother when he knows they will stone and curse him. Rashi (רש"י) explains that Hashem warned Moshe in Parshas Va'era that leadership means being prepared for the people to stone and curse their leaders. The deeper insight emerges when Rabbi Zweig examines what would make this burden acceptable - if Moshe were actually their parent. This reveals a fundamental truth about parenting: it inherently involves being cursed and stoned by one's children. The shiur explores why this seemingly harsh reality is actually part of Hashem's divine design. Every child experiences trauma at birth - being expelled from the perfect security of the womb into a cold, demanding world. As parents wean, toilet train, and gradually withdraw support, children naturally feel betrayed and angry. They rage against parents who brought them into independence without guaranteeing they have the tools to succeed. This creates the universal parent-child tension that fills psychology offices worldwide. The modern solution of extended financial dependence actually exacerbates the problem, creating entitled adults who resent parents for not providing indefinitely while simultaneously lacking confidence in their own abilities. Rabbi Zweig describes the contemporary phenomenon where wealthy families support married children's lifestyles but not their obligations, creating a welfare mentality even among the affluent. The resolution lies in understanding that the goal of parenting, like leadership, is not to provide perpetual care but to develop independence. When children curse and stone their parents, the proper response is silence - not retaliation. This counterintuitive approach proves to children that the parent's actions are truly for the child's benefit, not the parent's ego. Taking abuse without responding demonstrates genuine love because there's no personal benefit to the parent in accepting such treatment. Rabbi Zweig connects this to the Hebrew word 'azov' which paradoxically means both 'abandon' and 'help.' True help enables eventual abandonment - like teaching a child to ride a bicycle by eventually letting go. The goal is always to reach the point where support can be withdrawn because independence has been achieved. This principle extends to all forms of leadership and education. A true leader or rebbe develops people's ability to think independently rather than creating dependent followers. The Lithuanian approach to Torah (תורה) education exemplifies this - challenging students to develop their own analytical abilities rather than simply providing answers. The shiur concludes with the recognition that while this path is difficult and inevitably involves conflict, it's the only way to develop genuine human beings rather than perpetual dependents. Parents must provide both tools and confidence, but ultimately must be prepared to let go and accept the resistance that comes with pushing children toward independence.