Education Isn't Mechanics: Proper Derech Eretz in Relationships

Full Summary

Rabbi Zweig begins by praising his talmidim for not falling into the widespread disease of entitlement that afflicts much of the yeshiva world, where young men expect to be supported by their wives and in-laws without question. However, he identifies a more subtle but dangerous cultural problem: the attitude that 'the whole world revolves around me,' which while not outright entitlement, creates a pathway toward character corruption (hashchasas midos). The Rav illustrates this through several troubling real-life examples from recent shidduch experiences. He tells of a bachur who was rejected for giving a girl a compliment on her shoes - behavior that was deemed 'not yeshivish' - contrasting this with the approach of Rav Dovid, the mashgiach of Ner Yisrael, who explicitly instructed bachurim to acknowledge the effort girls put into their appearance for dates. Another example involves bachurim who fail to plan proper venues for dates, expecting girls who traveled thousands of miles at great expense to figure out logistics themselves. Rabbi Zweig emphasizes that when a girl travels far distances, spending significant money and effort to meet a potential shidduch, the very minimum derech eretz requires thoughtful planning of where to take her and basic courtesy throughout the process. He shares disturbing accounts of bachurim expecting girls to serve as their drivers, picking them up from inconvenient locations and dropping them off without consideration for the additional burden this places on them. The fundamental principle Rabbi Zweig establishes is kavod habriot - honoring human dignity - which applies to all people, not just Jews. He stresses that this is basic derech eretz that should precede Torah (תורה) learning, citing the principle 'derech eretz kadmah l'Torah.' The lack of such consideration represents boorish behavior, and he notes the linguistic connection between the Hebrew 'boor' and English 'boorish.' In a significant philosophical aside, Rabbi Zweig discusses his disagreement with his own rebbi regarding whether someone can be genuinely accomplished in learning while possessing bad character traits. Rabbi Zweig maintains that while one can become a skilled technician or mechanic in learning, true insights and understanding of Torah require good midos. Mechanical skills in learning are insufficient; genuine hasagah (comprehension) of Torah's deeper truths is impossible without proper character development. The shiur concludes with practical guidance about appropriate compliments - focusing on taste and style choices (like a nice pin or bag) rather than physical appearance, and acknowledging the effort someone has invested in presenting themselves respectfully. Rabbi Zweig emphasizes that education must transcend mere mechanics to encompass true character refinement, warning that cultural insensitivity, while not yet full character corruption, lies dangerously close to that line.