Vayeishev: The Best Way to Help Someone is to Be at Peace with Him

This shiur examines the pasuk in Parshas Vayeishev that states the brothers saw their father loved Yosef more than them, "and they hated him and could not speak to him peacefully" (lo yochlu daber l'shalom). Rashi (רש"י) comments that from their improper behavior we learn a praise—they were not two-faced (echad b'peh v'echad b'lev), they didn't say one thing while thinking another. Yet Rashi's language implies it would actually have been in their interest to speak peacefully, even if dishonestly. This creates a fundamental difficulty: if peace was the right approach, why praise them for refusing to be false? And if their hostility was understandable, where is the praise in openly expressing hatred? Rabbi Zweig explains that Rashi is teaching a fundamental principle in human relationships and emotional health. Yosef had a problem—whether insecurity, need for favor, or desire to dominate—that manifested in bringing bad reports about his brothers to their father. That was Yosef's psychological issue. The brothers' mistake was making Yosef's problem into their problem by responding with hatred. When you react with anger and hostility to someone else's dysfunction, you internalize their sickness. Their emotional problem now exists inside you, causing you ongoing pain and distress.