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What does it mean that a parent who withholds discipline "hates" their child? The shiur develops a crucial distinction: parents don't hate their children—they hate the demanding responsibility of parenting. Examining Avrohom, Yitzchok, and Yaakov through the lens of Chosech shivto soneh bno, Rabbi Zweig reveals why effective parenting requires both deep self-knowledge and the courage to set boundaries despite the emotional cost.
Rabbi Zweig begins with a provocative question from a rebbe in his school: how can the Torah (תורה) say that Yaakov "hated" Leah, and how can King Shlomo's dictum "he who withholds the rod hates his child" apply to righteous figures like Avrohom, Yitzchok, and Dovid HaMelech? The answer, he proposes, lies in understanding that the "hatred" doesn't refer to the person but to the relationship or role. Yaakov loved Leah as a person but hated having her as a wife in the context of his intended destiny with Rochel. Similarly, parents love their children deeply but often hate the demanding, exhausting responsibility of parenting itself. The Midrash at the opening of Parshas Shemos, which introduces the principle of Chosech shivto soneh bno (he who spares the rod hates the child), cites examples of parental failures: Avrohom with Yishmael, Yitzchok with Esav, Dovid with Avshalom. Only Yaakov, who disciplined and rebuked his children, succeeded in raising them properly. The Midrash appears here because the opening verse states that Yaakov's sons came to Egypt "eis Yaakov"—equal to Yaakov—indicating they became righteous parents themselves, not merely good children. True parenting doesn't end when children are raised well; it extends to ensuring they become effective parents in turn.
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Parshas Shemos, Midrash Shemos Rabbah opening
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