Parenting, Self-Esteem, and Elisha ben Abuyah's Story

Full Summary

Rabbi Zweig addresses two pressing parenting issues: children going off the derech and bullying, using a story from Kohelet chapter 7 as his foundation. He analyzes the Midrash's account of Elisha ben Abuyah, the great scholar who became irreligious, whose father dedicated him to Torah (תורה) learning after witnessing a divine fire at a brit milah celebration. The Midrash attributes Elisha's spiritual downfall to his father's improper motivations - seeking personal honor rather than the child's benefit. This presents a theological puzzle: the Rambam (רמב"ם) teaches that all learning must begin with external motivations (candy for young children, progressing to clothing, money, and honor), following the principle of 'mitoch shelo lishma ba lishma' - from ulterior motives one comes to pure intentions. How then could Elisha's father's approach be wrong when it follows this prescribed path? Rabbi Zweig resolves this by distinguishing between healthy and unhealthy children. The Rambam's system works only for children who feel good about themselves and are motivated by pleasure. Such children, when given external rewards, will eventually become enamored with the Torah learning itself. However, children who feel abused or used by their parents are in emotional pain rather than seeking pleasure. They cannot benefit from 'mitoch shelo lishma ba lishma' because their focus remains on their pain rather than on the learning experience. Elisha ben Abuyah's father used his son for personal gratification rather than the child's welfare. This created an ongoing sense of abuse - the more the child learned, the more used he felt. An abused child cannot transcend external motivations because he lacks the fundamental prerequisite: feeling good about himself. Regarding bullying, Rabbi Zweig argues that victims typically have vulnerabilities that bullies sense. Rather than focusing solely on punishing bullies, parents must examine whether they've adequately built up their child's self-esteem. Children who feel good about themselves are less susceptible to bullying. Even siblings from the same home may bully each other when one feels inadequate and seeks to elevate himself by putting others down. The primary parental responsibility is making children feel genuinely loved and valued. Parents often agonize over whether their own religious shortcomings caused their children to go astray, but this misses the point. Children have free choice and will make their own decisions. Parents cannot control outcomes, but they can provide the essential foundation: unconditional love and acceptance that builds self-worth. Without this foundation, even the best religious education and environment will fail. With it, children gain the emotional health necessary to eventually embrace Torah values authentically.