The Two Types of Chesed: Expansive Love vs. Self-Diminishing Service

Full Summary

Rabbi Zweig tackles one of Rashi (רש"י)'s most difficult interpretations in Koheles 7:2, where the verse states it is better to go to a house of mourning than to a house of celebration. While the simple understanding suggests that confronting mortality brings seriousness and accountability, Rashi offers a radically different explanation that initially seems to contradict fundamental principles of chesed (חסד). Rashi explains that at a house of mourning, one performs kindness for both the living (mourners) and the dead, while at a wedding, kindness is only for the living. He further states that since death is everyone's destination, one should participate in funeral rites because they will need such kindness themselves someday. This appears to violate the principle of chesed shel emes (true kindness) - kindness to the dead which expects no reciprocation. Rabbi Zweig resolves this difficulty by identifying two distinct mitzvos of chesed in Jewish law. The first derives from "V'ahavta l'rei'acha kamocha" (love your neighbor as yourself), which the Rambam (רמב"ם) explains includes visiting the sick, hospitality, and burying the dead. This type of chesed is expansive - it builds relationships and makes the giver feel good about themselves. The second mitzvah (מצוה) comes from "V'halachta b'drachav" (walk in His ways), the obligation to emulate God's actions. The Talmud (תלמוד) notes that God clothed Adam and Chava, comforted Isaac after Abraham's death, visited Abraham during his recovery from circumcision, and buried Moses personally. The key distinction lies in personal service versus giving gifts or favors. When God performs chesed, it involves personal service - making Himself smaller, as it were. All of creation represents God's tzimtzum (contraction), where He limits Himself to make space for others. Similarly, when humans perform personal service, they make themselves smaller rather than feeling expansive. Using the example of bikur cholim (visiting the sick), Rabbi Zweig explains that the mitzvah isn't merely showing up, but making the patient feel valued and cared for. The effort invested - including travel time - contributes to the patient's sense of self-worth and aids in healing. The "walking" mentioned in the Torah (תורה) ("asher yeilchu bo") isn't preparation for the mitzvah but part of the mitzvah itself, as it demonstrates the visitor's investment and care. At a house of mourning, one simultaneously performs both types of chesed: expansive kindness for the mourners (building relationships) and self-diminishing service for the deceased (personal service expecting nothing in return). At weddings, only expansive chesed occurs. Therefore, mourning is superior because it involves both mitzvos. Regarding Rashi's seemingly transactional language about receiving kindness in return, Rabbi Zweig explains this isn't about reward but about transformation. When a person consistently makes themselves smaller through selfless service, they become more godlike. This naturally generates respect and admiration from others, who will want to honor such a person at their death. It's not payment but the natural consequence of character development. Rabbi Zweig extends this principle to marriage, citing the Rambam's teaching that respect, not love, forms the foundation of marriage. Respect involves elevating one's spouse while making oneself smaller. Only after establishing this foundation can healthy love develop. Love without respect becomes possessive and devouring. He concludes by addressing why Hillel phrased the golden rule negatively ("what is hateful to you, do not do to others") rather than using the Torah's positive formulation. The negative formulation requires self-restraint and making oneself smaller - the godlike attribute - while the positive version involves expansive giving. Hillel emphasized the more fundamental but difficult mitzvah of self-diminishment as the basis for all human relationships.