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Why does the Rambam (רמב"ם) require a husband to always instruct his wife to light Shabbos (שבת) candles, and why must this be done 'b'nachas'? The Rambam views hadlakas neiros as a joint mitzvah (מצוה) requiring true partnership. Speaking 'b'nachas' means presenting instructions like setting a table - allowing choice rather than coercing compliance, creating shalom bayis through collaboration.
This shiur explores Rambam (רמב"ם)'s Hilchos Shabbos (שבת), Perek 9, Halacha (הלכה) 19, examining why the husband must tell his wife to light Shabbos candles and how this must be done 'b'nachas' (gently). Rabbi Zweig addresses the fundamental question of why this law appears in Hilchos Shabbos rather than laws of marriage, and why the Gemara (גמרא) requires saying three things on Erev Shabbos: 'Isartem, aravtem, hadliku es haner.' The Rambam's reading differs significantly from Rashi (רש"י) and other Rishonim. While Rashi explains that the first two are questions (asking if she separated maaser and made eruv) and the third is a command only when candles aren't yet lit, the Rambam holds that all three statements must always be said. This is because the mitzvah (מצוה) of hadlakas neiros is designed as a joint effort - the woman is more obligated in the actual lighting, but the husband has an obligation to instruct her. The candles should not be lit until the husband gives the instruction, making this a partnership rather than individual performance. The requirement to speak 'b'nachas' is not merely about tone but about creating true collaboration. The word 'nachas' derives from 'nach' meaning to put down - the husband must put his words down like setting a table, allowing the wife to choose to accept them rather than feeling pressured or intimidated. This creates 'shalom bayis' through harmony rather than coercion. The shiur extends this principle to all household communication, explaining that when someone is told what to do forcefully, they are not truly doing it themselves - the commander is doing it through them. True partnership requires that instructions be given in a way that preserves the other person's dignity and choice. This applies to managing employees, raising children, and all relationships where cooperation is needed. Rabbi Zweig emphasizes that effective leadership means empowering others to think and take responsibility rather than creating robots who merely follow orders.
Hilchos Shabbos 5:3
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